ToadSoda's blog

Stillness

I catch each thought between my palms--
a tiny fairy with damp, burdened wings.
When I dry them off, setting them free,
the deep quiet of my uncluttered mind
frightens me, echoing the stillness of a grave;
bottomless and mute.
It wants me to see it, needs to be seen.
A place of solace beckons me
through the uncomfortable dark
where more tears and pain await.
Oh, but I'm so tired, so very tired
of the impenetrable black.
I only want to close my eyes
and see you.

My Endless Search

Are we the things we leave behind?
The faded jeans and coffee mugs,
and dark, silent phones.
Are we our data?
I don't think so.
All this rational thought
is going nowhere,
and that's a place I can explore.
Nowhere is the coiling and uncoiling of stars,
expanding and contracting,
like my grief.
Nowhere is the deck of a sinking ship
sliding below the surface of the water.
Nowhere is the space where souls drift.
Is that where you are;
Halfway to me and halfway gone?
I'm looking for a place that is no place
because you're not here,
but nowhere's wrong too.
Maybe you're everywhere?

Moon Series 2017 - Day 11

10/11/17 - Waning Gibbous 6:50 a.m. (morning moon)

I saw it when the celestite sky
was brightening, a wraith
fading against the almost dawn
an accusatory moon
willing me to see it
before turning toward the new day
lingering, ghostly and proud
as the horizon blushed
a hint of rose against lapis
and the morning stole the moon
I recognized myself, then
disappearing, irrelevant
swallowed by the bluing sky

Lucid

When I fall from consciousness,
the fading imprint of the day
is waiting behind my eyes
I peer into that space,
hungering for the emptiness,
imagining you, a hair's breadth away
But I can never find you
though I search until sleep descends
unmooring me with a cascade
of nonlinear thought
a false promise of freedom
from the heavy boundaries of time
as my brain reshuffles,
playing games with space and memory
I know my spirit is widest then
my awareness spread eagle
my arms, gone, yet reaching

Moon Series 2017 - Day 5

10/5/17 - 9:00 p.m.
Full Moon

My mind is so much quieter
when I'm not focused on the moon
Its bright face seems to mock me
as I sit here night after night
peering up, searching for meaning
in cold, grey stone
who's to say that the moon
doesn't marvel at our beauty,
looking down, worshiping the Earth,
Perhaps naming gods in our honor

Moon Series 2017 - Day 4

10/4/17 - 8:34 p.m.
Waxing Gibbous (Almost Full)

October's holding autumn back,
the warm air has the crickets fooled,
but not me
I feel the cold beneath this shallow night
see the scattered leaves on my dark grass
sense the sap slowing in every living tree
and above it all,
far from humming bugs and changing seasons
hangs the moon, tempting us with fullness
as if her fleeting light knows what it means
to be down here among creatures
that breathe and squirm and die
I forgot how to see past the stark truth of things
there's no magic left, not without you
my sorrow covers the bare moon

Moon Series #4 - Day 3

Moon Series 2017 - Day 3
Waxing Gibbous

I've never been sadder than I am now
alone beneath a moon you can't see
I remember your bright face
more vibrant than the moon
content to lay your crystals out
on velvet cloth
uncluttering the energy stuck inside
not unlike my grief
--
I am halfway to you
It's as if the moon is lighting the way
its milky white face a beacon
in this maze of unreality
and I want to believe
I must believe
that your spirit is with me
here beneath this damn moon
watching me write
listening to the cicadas
content with your new place
in this untenable universe

Moon Series #4 - Day 2

8:07 p.m. Waxing Gibbous

A button moon fills the night's center,
an apprehensive moon, painting the sky black.
My frantic mind tells me I can't see it.
I'm blind even though the sky's as clear
as it will ever be.
the cold air cut the clouds away like spinder silk,
the moon is fully visible,
to everyone but me
The heavy weight of my sorrow
is its own cloud
covering up what's right in front of me,
tensing my shoulders,
glazing my eyes to the truth.
That the moon doesn't feel my small life
should be my cue to let all these burdens
drift up and up until I become as weightless
as the tales I tell myself.

Moon Series #4 - Day 1

Waxing Gibbous - 8:09 p.m. - 10/1/17

I am alone with my slippered feet,
alone with the aging year
as the sky gifts me with nothing but the moon
though I search for something bigger
some formation of clouds and stars
that wrap the darkness in splendor
can this be the same moon
that hung above our heads so long ago?
when you were made of giggles
and wide-eyed wonder
when we drew the sky with black crayon
and turned circles into stars
when that old picnic table held our weight
and the cats rubbed warm bodies
against our shivering legs
does the moon remember
how we strained for a glimpse
and I taught you about metaphor?
somewhere in the Earth's long history
the echo of that night has just begun,
the three of us outside, peering up
feeling our mutual anticipation
for whatever the moon had to give.

Wood

If you sit outside long enough
you notice that the trees change,
the creek of aging wood,
the lichen on gnarled branches
even in death, the trees offer refuge
countless perches within exposed branches
a high vantage point to observe
the neighborhood cats
with their fat bodies and languid eyes
The abundance of my backyard surprises me
the tenacity of growth, as if my tiny plot of land
is on the cusp of being consumed,
swallowed by the encroaching mountainside
with its wild dazzle of swaying pines
and the tangled vines that choke
the hickory and ash
I wonder at the strength of trees,
how the wood wants to reclaim it all
this lawn, this house, this feeble garden
it's likely to succeed

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