Birth and Death

We aren’t born alone
we enter the world
slipping into gloved hands
between wet thighs
wrapped in the soft cotton
of hospital blankets
placed within the waiting arms
of exhausted mothers
who would do it all over again
and we feel this,
the cushion of protection
an anchor in a dark world.
It may be our soul’s purpose
to experience love
to have bodies that bleed and shiver
to know the bliss of touch
against skin that folds itself
around our spirit
but we must die alone
even children, even babies
as our our mothers’ hands grasp
and pray
and plead
Death pulls children down
it has no bias,
no sense of justice or tragedy
Death becomes like days, months,
autumn moons
a thing of heavy reality
Mothers can’t thwart it
love isn’t enough
and so we must go alone
into the dark

11/24/17

12 Weeks

When I crested that hill,
rounding the bend on Route 32
a known road, a familiar road
it happened…
The curves and bends were foreign
as I spend towards home
uncertain, disoriented
the road became unfamiliar,
my brain waiting for it to click in place
where I was, who I was,
the purpose of my journey.
I found my footing
as I coasted to a stop
at that same traffic light in Rosendale
I’ve been stopping at for a decade.
But the fear lingered like a fine mist,
a cloud of agonizing reality.
We’ve always been four,
like the solid directions;
north, south, east, west,
stable and strong,
and now we’re teetering,
balanced on three legs,
a tripod of grief.
Even the landmarks can’t save me
their familiar shapes are ominous
as I wander among them ,
trying to find my place
without the fourth direction.
I’m so afraid of getting lost
but I’m already lost
there’s no finding my way
until I find you.

11/8/2017

19 Weeks

Time is as transient as air, as breath
It’s useless to keep tracking it
You may as well have died yesterday
or 100 years from now
or never.
I want to believe you’re talking to me
the skeptics are wrong
mediums can channel the dead
I wish I had that gift
I would give anything
to feel you near me
Wanting is the worst thing I can do

11 Weeks

I’m floating in a vacuum
resisting the gravity of real life
drifting, not caring about seasons
or passing days
I don’t understand these things
I have more in common with the dead.
The veil lifted and I’m stuck
seeing things for what they really are
seeing myself as dust, a flicker
in an endless arc of light
and I don’t care
I really don’t
My ego evaporated
I don’t want joy
I don’t want to leave a mark
I want to melt away
to unbecome
there’s no relief from my life
oh god, this life
I don’t care
I have no more illusions about today
and the goldfinches,
those bright fingers of yellow
pointing out the joy, the now
They’re not for me.